White Button Downs equal Mental Health

I've noticed a trend that whenever a woman celebrity wants to appear healthy and happy they pose on the cover of a magazine in an oversized man's button down white shirt and nothing else. Maybe some sexy long socks, but usually nothing else. Aniston did it after the whole divorce thing and Britney just did it on the cover of some magazine I just saw but am not going to look up because I don't want to google Britney and white button down and magazine cover because I just don't want to, OK? Now Aniston's naked on the cover of GQ with only a tie, which I guess means that she's over the healing process and wants to have sex. Interestingly enough, when you're OK about men you wear men's clothes because, like, you don't care! So just so you know, celebrity in a man's shirt: healthy, renewed. Celebrity naked: wants it bad.

Once again, Cakeshop provides

"Bang on the Ear" by the Waterboys.

Veterans Day

Well, here it is, Veteran's Day, one day after the Marines Corps birthday and the first year (I'm ashamed to say) that I'm really thinking about the people who fight for their country and either live for a long time like my grandfather or become injured or die. Anyway, I'm going to eat a slice of cake, as you do on birthdays, give another little shout out to Cold Steel Walker and say thanks.

In other news, I now like my cats who I had previously disliked. I wouldn't say I'm gay for them, like I am for 90% of dogs, but I feel definite affection.

Good story.

Cold Steel Walker

Last night I went to a benefit at Town Hall called Stand Up for Heroes, organized by the Bob Woodruff Foundation. It's a charity that takes care of wounded Iraq vets, those with wounds both seen and unseen. It was amazing night, I was Martha Raddatz's date, mom of one of my best friends, Greta, and White House Correspondent for ABC News. Bruce played, auctioned off his Harley for $70,000 and his guitar for $45,000. More importantly, I think his son was sitting in front of us. At least my friend Erin thought so. Anyway, Martha introduced me to one of her friends, General Newbold. He's a Marine and we started chatting and I mentioned that my grandfather was a Marine and served in the Pacific during WWII and that his nickname was Cold Steel Walker. General Newbold stopped short and said that he knew that name very well, Cold Steel Walker was famous in the Corps. So that was pretty amazing and I'm looking forward to hearing more stories about him, but here's an anecdote that my dad sent to me, which I find badass. This was sent to my dad by a man named James Gleason when Grandpa died.

COL. WALKER: I READ WITH GREAT SADNESS OF THE DEATH OF YOUR FATHER AND MY COMMANDING OFFICER “COLD STEEL” WALKER…. I WAS THE CORPSMAN WHO TREATED HIM ON NEW GEORGIA WHEN HE WAS WOUNDED, AND HE LAUGHINGLY ALLOWED ME TO INCLUDE THE STORY IN MY BOOK REAL BLOOD! REAL GUTS! U.S. MARINE RAIDERS AND THEIR CORPSMEN IN WORLD WAR II, OF HOW, AT THE AGE OF 17, I WAS SO AWED AND FRIGHTENED, NOT OF THE JAPANESE BUT OF HIM, THAT I FORGOT TO PUSH THE SYRETTE INTO THE MORPHINE TUBE, SO THAT HE RECEIVED NO MORPHINE WHEN I TREATED HIM INITIALLY. I DIDN’T HAVE THE NERVE TO TELL HIM ABOUT THAT UNTIL SOME 50 YEARS LATER AT A RAIDER REUNION. SEMPER FIDELIS, JIM GLEASON, 4TH MARINE RAIDER BATTALION CORPSMAN.

I assume this is where I get my incredible tolerance for pain and general toughness.

Here's a link to General Newbold's article in Time Magazine about why the war in Iraq is a mistake: http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1181629,00.html

More like Lip Gloss

As I look through the photos of Obama victory celebrations across the globe last night all I can think of is how cool those kids uniforms in Indonesia are, you know, at the school where tiny Obama went when he was tiny. And as I look at the pictures of McCain's concession speech all I can think of is how slutty Sarah Palin's lip stick and gloss combo is. How did I never notice that? It's the super shiny nude color gloss of a porn star. Crazy. Oh, and Hooray!!!!!! My corner had a quasi riot last night in that people where on the street cheering and then the cops came, which I think secretly pleased the hipster masses because it made them feel badass. So the cops and the hipsters sort of looked at each other and the hipsters continued to chant "Yes we can!" and it was sort of an awkward stand off. Then we all went to bed.

Voting

I have a fear that I'll somehow flip the wrong switch tomorrow and vote for McCain just because I spaz out. It's kind of like the whole don't push the red button because the red button will destroy the world thing and you just HAVE to push the red button. Remember that Ren and Stimpy where Stimpy gets space madness? Or was it Ren. It was Ren. That, I think, was my favorite Ren and Stimpy. Anyway, Ren pushes the red button. And the space ship explodes. That's more or less the scenario that will play out at my voting center. Or, like last time, a crazy dude who's registering me will insist that I'm not registered and then get really mean. Well soooooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrry that I maintain a PO Box, dick. Yeah, I said it. That guy was a dick.

Judith Light Pleases Me

I don't know what it is about her, but I'm glad Judith Light is having a career resurgence with Ugly Betty. I don't watch Ugly Betty and I wasn't the biggest fan of Who's the Boss? But I just like Judith Light. I don't think she's that pretty and her harshness sort of scared me as a child, but I think it's the fact that I know her name that pleases me. It's sort of like knowing Alan Thicke's name. I just like to reference them to let myself know that I know them. Anyone can know a Kirk Cameron or a Suzanne Somers, but Judith Light is a little cooler. Now, if I knew the dad's name on Step by Step then that would be weird. See how that works? Good.

The 'Herst

I had to get out of NYC for a couple of days and relax in CT, maybe because my block is teeming with CMJ hipsters morning, noon and night and the unwashed masses were just getting to me. Is it over yet? Please let it be over. Anyway, I decided to drive up to Amherst for the day to write, because Amherst rules. It's beautiful and collegiate and people are still unwashed but in a different way. I'm writing in the science library, where I used to "study" with my friends Tim and Dan. All we basically did was quote South Park and try to master Timmy's lines (the kid in the wheelchair). We got it down to "Rar deer bawz." And we'd just sort of say that back and forth. Then Timmy and Dan would smoke, as Tim puts it, "quad hourly." College.

I'm also listening to two songs on repeat from the new Orkkevil River album, The Stand Ins.
The songs are "Lost Coastlines" and "Singer Songwriter"

Also, I'd like to mention that the Pioneer Valley is home to my favorite radio station of all time, WRNX (Amherst, Northampton, Springfield). I can't explain it, just happy music and cool DJ's (I think Rachel Maddow used to work there) and local commercial spots that are charming and hockey and somehow old-timey. Fly By Night Mattresses stands out. 100.9. So good.

Shakespeare, White Men, Jumping

Last night I (drunkenly) watched the first half hour of White Men Can't Jump with my brother and my boyfriend before going to bed. We all knew and loved the movie and could say the lines along with it and sing along with the Venice Beach Boys in the beginning like we were part of the Sing a Long Evita or Sound of Music, but we had all forgotten what a truly GREAT movie it is. My brother came out and said it while brandishing a red wine glass and eating sharp cheddar. "The plot is Shakespearean, really. The beginning is Romeo and Juliet, with the fight and then...well, yeah that part's Shakespearean." He also pointed out that we see Rosie Perez with a drinking problem in the beginning-when she sneaks vodka when Billy is showering because he steeeeenks! But then we don't see any more of her vices, she's just a smart chick who in the end is smart enough to leave Beeeelly and totally win Jeopardy (What is a quince!). So I guess what I'm saying is that wine is delicious.

Sound Off

I actually watched Sarah Palin's SNL spot last night with the sound off, just like she did when she first watched Tina Fey's impression of her. Granted, I watched with the sound off because we couldn't figure out the fancy TV, so when I watched it I thought it looked funny. This morning I watched with the sound on and it just sort of made me uncomfortable. It's like SNL was trying to keep its integrity yet at the same time pandering to Palin. Clearly Alec Baldwin wanted to say his piece and then pussied out. It was just really weird. And what was up with the Weekend Update rap? Eskimos? Isn't that politically incorrect or something? Not like that really means anything anymore during this race. Anyway, Palin on SNL made me feel just like she does in real life: Uncomfortable, angry, upset, and angry again. Yeah, mostly angry.

Walker the Walkmen Walkenerd

This may not be that interesting to a bunch of people, but fortunately 3-8 people read this blog so...wait, OK, maybe no one will care. Actually, no one reads this blog so this is sort of like Internet masturbation, which it isn't, because we all know that Internet masturbation is very very real and literal.

Anyway.

This is directly stolen from Pitchfork, but basically a record store in Nashville had a bunch of bands do covers of The Walkmen to celebrate the release of their new album. This one band, The Privates, did such a kick ass job that they played backup for the lead singer of The Walkmen at a gig. Here they are as The Walkmen playing "Thinking of a Dream I Had." It's, like, really great.

One Track Lover

This is a music video from one of my favorite shows of all time, Garth Merenghi's Dark Place. I highly recommend checking out all six episodes on YouTube, but if you watch one thing from the show, this is it.

You're Welcome

upsidedowndogs.com

I Think I'm Dumb But I'm Not Sure

At least technologicalalalaly wise. I thought that I had forgotten my password to this blog, in fact I knew that I had, but then magically I was signed in again. Good story!

I just downloaded that sexy lap dance song from Death Proof, "Down in Mexico," and it's still sexy, sans lap dance scene.

OK, I guess I'll blog again soon now that I'm once again part of the Internet (magically).

G'Day.

España es muy sexy

Another blog I wrote for 236.com:

I know that I'm late to this whole McCain-Spain controversy thing, but that's because I've been taking a siesta. A wonderful, long siesta, which followed a wine-soaked paella lunch. This is just a typical Wednesday for me as I am now subscribing to a Spanish lifestyle. Why? Because Spain is a winner, and it boils my fiery, passionate Mediterranean blood to hear that McCain would refuse to meet with the Spanish Presidente or Prime Minister or Jefe or whatever. Spain is a winner and our country should befriend winners. Look at tennis star Rafael Nadal winning everything and having great hair. Also, lest we forget, Spainish futbol, that's soccer to you, won the Euro Cup this year. They also have great hair, by the way. Spain takes on those animal jerks, that's what I call bulls, and totally beats them, like every day. Spaniards also invented tapas and Pan's Labryinth. However, in case that doesn't convince you, Spain has no words to their National Anthem!! How amazing is that? They never experience embarrassing gaffes during major sporting events and fifth graders don't have to memorize lyrics that make no sense to them. If Spain's National Anthem did have lyrics, they'd probably go something like this:
Oh Spain, you are so sexy.
Flamenco is our dance and it is sexy.
Also sexy are our tiny snacks we call tapas.
We wear tight pants and sequins when we kill bulls.
Because we are sexy.
Spain Spain Spain.
Ole!
You want to kick this country out of bed, McCain? Not sexy.

Cake Shop

Anyone who knows me knows that my favorite food is cake. Specifically, white cake with white (or pink) frosting from the now defunct Your Just Desserts in West Hartford, CT. Frosting flowers are also enjoyed (by me). As YJD does not exist in NYC, nay, at all, I am left to find other cake-ing options. Yes, yes, we all know of Magnolia, which is great. And I know I've said this before, but if you either vehemently defend or attack the deliciousness of a cupcake, as people so often do in regards to Magnolia, you need to get your priorities straight. It's a cupcake, get over it, it's going to be amazing anyway you slice it.

Anyway, you can't sit down at Magnolia or it's sister, Billy's Bakery. However, at one shining beacon on the Lower East Side, across the street from my apartment, you can, and it's called, of all things, Cake Shop. I'm going to skip the fact that it's pretentious and hipster and I think it's supposed to be British 'cause they serve tea and Marmite and maybe because of this "cakes" means many more things than just my white on white cake, like, savoury items as well. See, I just wrote the English spelling of savoury.

Despite, or because of all those things, you can take a seat- you always have your own table because it's never crowded-or a couch if you prefer, and just hang. I like to write there. There's always an outlet handy and I eat scones. Yes, scones. You can also have a slice of cake, a cupcake or other delicious baked goods that involve saying the word vegan.

However, what I've been trying to get to and the BEST thing about Cake Shop is that it also doubles as a music venue downstairs. Because of this, the people who work there know their shit about music and EVERY TIME I go there I fall in love with another song that I don't know, I google the lyrics, and BAM I've found my new favorite band/song of the week/month/year. So here are a couple of Cake Shop discovery songs that I listen to on repeat.

"Higher Ground" by The Feelies (This is the song that started my love affair with Cake Shop music)
"Crazy Rhythms" by The Feelies
"Crazy" by Galaxie 500
"Final Day" by Young Marble Giants
"Black Eye" by Uncle Tupelo
"Milky Way" by Syd Barrett

It should be mentioned that The Last Shadow Puppets also performed a secret show there that I saw, and that the first time I heard "The Age of the Understatement" and "In the Heat of the Morning," which lead me to download the original Bowie version which is quite splendid indeed. I also have a creepy high school type crush on Alex Turner, but that's neither here nor there.

Si Si, Batman

This is the last part of an episode of Batman and Robin, you know, the 60's TV show with Adam West as Batman. The episode is called "The Purr-Fect Crime" and I recommend watching the first two parts as well, but I just wanted to highlight probably one of my favorite, if not my favorite line of all time. I don't know when I first watched it, but I was pretty young and, well, it just stuck with me. The line is towards the top, and the clip is pretty long, but I'll just say as a hint that it's the exchange between Batman and Robin about the benefits of knowing foreign languages that gets me.

Delicious PB and J

My goodness I am thoroughly enjoying the new Peter Bjorn and John album, Seaside Rock. It's mostly instrumental, except for when old Swedish people come on and talk. It sounds like I'm listening to a Swedish book on tape, and that's oddly comforting in some weird way. The fact that I enjoy it makes me feel like I'd be the kind of person who would enjoy Bergman films (I am not, but I wish I were. But I'm glad that I can pretentiously reference Bergman.) Actually, of the spoken word songs one actively annoys me, and that's where an old lady speaks on Norrlands Riviera. I can't get through it.

One song in particular, School of Kraut, rocks my world. It's the best walking down the street song. I feel like I'm some sort of Seventies swinging Swedish person (oh how I wish I really were) and I walk with longer strides and a bounce in my step, randomly high five-ing strangers. Actually a lot of songs make me think that the 70's in Sweden must've just been the bees knees, like Needles and Pins (I have no evidence that these songs are influenced by the 70's or anything, it's just what it makes me think of). It's just happy making and that's what PB and J do best. Yeah, they're long haired indie rockers, but I think they escape being precious and annoying and make really amazing songs. They're better than a lot of bands, but they keep it light, Barcelona in particular is a really beautiful song. Anyway, I thought that I'd be put off by the instrumental spoken word aspect, but let me tell you, friend, this is a great album and from now on whenever I want to punch my cat in the face to let out my anger at this effing election, I'll put this on.

I'm Boycotting the News

Never have I been this depressed about politics. Yeah, big news, we all are. But every time I read an article about Sarah Palin or John McCain's flailing, ugly politics I want to punch someone in the face. New York is a highly populated city and I live with four other people and two cats. So I'd hate to punch one of them in the face, especially a cat because my fist is bigger than their face so I'd also probably punch a bit of their neck. And cats aren't to blame for this. It's those damn dogs and their lipsticks. So, goodbye news, until you can tell me something good, I'm going to live in blissful ignorance like they did 4,000 years ago when dinosaurs roamed the earth in harmony amongst us.

My Book for Freezies!

John Warner, my fantastic editor, has come up with a brilliant scheme to give away the books on TOW press for free. Obviously my book is not a bestseller (It's not Eat, Pray, Love. If you thought that it was, I'm sorry.) But I'm so proud of it, and to be a part of TOW, that I want as many people as possible to read it. I long ago reconciled myself to the fact that I was not going to make my fortune off of this book. Clearly my millions will be made in some sort of elaborate heist that I engineer in Uruguay. I'll bet that I had that advanced philosophy even whilst writing said book, but what am I, a mind reader of my own mind? Anywho, this giving away shit for free strategy brings me that much closer to Radiohead. Therefore, I am GLAD and PROUD and feel like a RAINBOW and not at all gay. Here's the link for your for freezies copy of my book:

http://www.writersdigest.com/article/towbooks

USA! USA!

Willow and Pig Fucking: What I Know About Politics

I've been blogging for this political comedy site, www.236.com, (Some of the news, most of the time) which is part of The Huffington Post. Here are my two entries to date:

Why Isn't Anyone Talking About Willow Palin's Baby?

At age 14 Willow single-handedly took care of an orphan baby and faced incredible danger transporting this baby on foot in the Alaskan wilds to safety. This baby's name was Elora Dannon and the evil Queen Bavmorda with all of her powers needed to destroy this baby to protect her terror-filled reign. Willow, with the help of her friend Meegosh, the traveling swordsman Madmartigan, and some wood pixies called Brownies, brought this child to safety while risking incredible danger. But, no, you won't hear about Willow Palin from the news media. All you hear about is Bristol and Trig and Mims and Ranon and possibly sometimes Track. Willow is the unsung hero in the Palin family and we would do her well to remember that, even if our biased press does not.

http://www.236.com/blog/w/sarah_walker/why_isnt_anyone_talking_about_8795.php

Putting Lipstick On A Pig Makes It More Fuckable

What is the most delicious food?
Correct, it is bacon.
Where does bacon come from?
No, not ponies. Bacon comes from pigs.
Now, what could possibly make pigs even more attractive?
Well, as we all know from Looney Toons, whenever an animal puts on lipstick it immediately comes very fuckable, even if it's a dude.
So, tell me Obama, why, why WHY would you compare the McCain campaign to putting lipstick on a pig?
It just makes me want to fuck it more.
Now I just want to smother my body in bacon grease and fuck the McCain campaign.
So hard. So very hard.
Excuse me.

http://www.236.com/blog/w/sarah_walker/putting_lipstick_on_a_pig_make_8856.php

The Inspiration

However, I did want to name this blog "Flames on the Side of My Face (dot blogspot dot com)" but it was already taken by some show pony! Anyway, here's why: